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A Work in Progress

The ever-creative denizens of the Operatives mailing list have come up with a hilarious series of ideas for a "musical" based on LFN -- all in good fun, of course, and names have been omitted to protect the guilty. But I decided to post their thoughts here for the amusement of all and perhaps to inspire others to add to it. Please feel free to email me your suggestions and ideas, and I'll add them here. Have fun with it!

Date: Monday, 5 Oct 1998

From ANLEANNAN@aol.com

Here is my take on this concept:

Who but John Waters, along with his definitive bad taste and penchant for absolute irreverence, would be more perfect as the impresario behind an LFN musical?

The LFN musical would, of course, be based around the story line where Nikita and Michael must go undercover as Rock Stars - bumpin' and grindin' in some sort of Stray Cats meets The Verve colliding with Dead Can Dance and a smattering of, oh, lets say, Hole with a little funky disco thing basted with Aretha's soul stylings in the midst of some grinding industrial techno... There would also be the requisite world music beat as the incidental music connecting the various song and dance numbers. Unfortunately, to ensure the substance and weight of the musical, as well as it's longevity, there cannot be any Lilith Fair type music or performances. Ultimately, the LFN musical would inevitably become its own generational signature piece geared toward pop culture like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Hair, Rent....

With Waters unique musical style (Hair Spray and Cry Baby), the show would take on a tongue-in-cheek life of it's own with existential, and zany, song and dance numbers by bizarre and strange looking cast members - minimalism meets high tech awash in Psychedelia - a sort of Cirque de Soliel and Saturday Night Live's "Sprockets". One absolute: There will be no Cats costumes or Andrew Lloyd Weberism's anywhere! The songs would have to be fresh, original, yet familiar, spawning radio airplay hits such as Nikita's rousing soulful version of "My Spy" (a la "My Guy") and the seriously injured Michael's first act closing number, the tear jerking-hyper romantic "The Mission Will Go On" (as in that little Celine Dion Titanic number but as if Queen had done it...). The duet between Ops and Madeline, a sort of Marvin Gaye "Sexual Healing" number, will have the audience panting and sweating. Birkoff's "My Gail's a Kleptomaniac" (a sort of Girl from Ipanema bossa nova lounge feel) and Walter's very funny, glaringly industrial "Ring Of Fire" take off, will have them holding their sides and rolling in the aisles. Then there's that huge chorus number near the end of the show, "Let's Do The Time Bomb Again..." For an encore, the entire cast would simply come out on stage, holding hands and sing "We are the Warped, We are the Section..." (a song that will spin off into a world wide charity event to provide resources for former agents, operatives, CIA, KGB, etc...)

Broadway is sorely in need of something to lift the audience out of their seats (and not because they are escaping the theatre) and get them dancing in the aisles. A John Water's directed La Femme Nikita musical is the perfect idea to jump start musical theatre for the new millennium.

Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997

I have some further suggestions to add to this enlightened new art form which perhaps we can succeed where Steven Bochco failed (i.e. the musical TV action show - remember Cops kiddies?).

Episode I

The episode opens with a scene of Section 1 freaked out in the computer room all shaking their hips to "I'm All Shook Up". (Choreography in the style of the now deceased but much admired Bob Fosse.) Seems Ops is pissed at everyone for flubbing a mission, but what they don't realize is that he is really a sensitive guy. We see Ops staring down from his glassy office, watching the Operatives and singing 'Send in the Clowns" (Sob!) Madeline is found in her office talking to a mannequin she likes to pretend is her sister (Madeline likes to pretend) crooning softly "The Way We Were" until she gets to the real belting part and looses and jumps to her feet causing the mannequin to lose an arm and a leg. Ah, the trials of power.

Birkhoff is suffering through his own shattering moments alone in his apartment. He is in an adolescent rage because Ops won't let him have the keys to the van to go out cruising...he is very frustrated and does a lively version of "Sexual Healing" as he picks his zits in his bathroom mirror.

Walter, feeling rather dejected because he got turned down again by yet another new recruit, is taking out his anger by building a giant bazooka, with a napalm additive, as he merrily chirps out "Great Balls of Fire" , taking small a small break for the piano solo.

Meanwhile Nikita and MIchael have been at her apartment for a romantic tryst, and Nikita has just discovered that Michael "can't". As he snores, she bleats a moving rendition of "Someday My Prince Will Come". As she finishes, we see Carla in her apartment pooping open a bottle of wine, having heard everything that went on in Nikita's apartment bcause of the cheesy thin walls...she is singing "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Want Me"...

Despite the grim feelings of our LFN characters everything brightens up when a nuclear device goes off in a major city and they are all called to duty. The scene of everyone arriving at Section 2 for mission duty is accompanied by the Vienna Boys Choir caroling "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees".

Once in the briefing room and all are given their orders (NIkita WILL NOT look at Michael), they rush out and kill terrorists, singing and dancing their way through a medly of tunes from "Luck be a Lady Tonight" (when the van stalls), "Beast of Burden" (when Nikita gets the job of carrying all the equipment as usual), "YMCA" which is where Michael ends up having to stay after Walter mistakenly blows up the wrong building, "I Will Survive" is howled by the last terrorist alive, but he is sorely mistaken as Michael leaps onto the screen doing his best Irish Dance number and singing "Lord of the Dance" as he machine guns the guy's guts across the continent. There is a brief moment of humour when the van crashes and the mission team is forced to take a Central Park buggy back to the Section. But this does not phase our merry group of counter terrorists, for they join in a rousing and uplifting chorus of "Surrey with the Fringe on Top". When they return they are greeted by Medline and Ops with arms open wide, and the whole cast forms an ensemble for the grand finale. A big kick line to "One...Singular Sensation" from A Chorus Line...Ops is noted to have especially nice legs. Fade out...

Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997

My (pale) contributions to LFN - The Musical:

Our first act opens with a flashy dance number introducing Michael to the tune of "Secret Agent Man" -- "They've given you a number and taken away your name!" A crowd of dancers dressed in Martha Graham-esque black outfits perform an interpretive modern dance around the still, silent Michael-figure.

At the end of the dance number, most of the dancers disperse, leaving Michael alone on stage. Bathed in a pool of white light, he turns as another bright white light comes up on another part of the stage, revealing Nikita dressed like a modern ballerina, all in white. The Hopeless Romantics in the audience sigh as Michael performs a moving medley of "Younger than Springtime" and "Lara's Theme" from Dr. Zhivago, while the Cynics squirm and don their headphones to listen to "The Man with the Golden Gun" and Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way."

When the moving (or unmoving) musical number is over, the lights come up full and Nikita's training is depicted through an action-packed instrumental sequence set to various spy-show theme songs, such as "Peter Gunn," "Mission: Impossible," and "I Spy." This medley cleverly morphs into a triumphant rendition of "The Rain in Spain" and various other numbers from "My Fair Lady" as Michael celebrates his protege's successful "graduation."

As a requiem for our dear departed Karen -- this may be borderline, as it came out right around 1980, but whenever I think of her, I can't help but hear "(bump, bump, bump) Another one bites the dust..."

Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997

Warning : It may be dangerous to be drinking (hot or cold) beverages or eating when reading this... Not responsible for damages... Be warned...

Opening scene : Birkoff's room.

We see Birkoff plugging his sound system to his computer and unintentionnaly, he plugged into all the speakers of Section 1... We then realize that he’s wearing, oh my god... yes, wearing plaid pants and high soled shoes a la Bay City Rollers...! Then, he turns his system on and a tune comes on everywhere in Section 1 it the famous: S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!

Scene 1 :

At the same moment, we see Walter, who was playing with a new gadget (a hand-held bazooka), when the first notes of the tune came out of the speaker next to him, dropped his bazooka, which of course went off, hitting a water pipe, busting it and immediately water starts to flood his room... Walter's expression was priceless, his bandana now around his neck, and has he started to run (we hear in the background) "Running Bear"...(always thought of Walter as a Huggie Bear!!!) in order to search for the sudden noise...

Scene 2 :

Madeline, who was also in her office at Section when the racket started, was just trying on a new brown dress she'd just bought and was applying some brown eyeliner when the music blasted out of her speaker... a bit startled and having not quite finish getting into the dress, she did a triple back flip somersault equalling a 10 on the Richter scale, ripping her dress just bellow her bottom and wearing eyeliner, well everywhere except around the eyes... "Brown eyed girl" is heard in the background. Not looking at what she looks like, she heads off in search of that racket....

Scene 3 :

Arriving at the instant the music starts blasting off, Michael and Nikita had just come back from a mission (getting some cheese puffs) because they were scheduled to view a video in the Video Room... We see them walking in the main corridor when, startled by the noise, Michael carrying the bags of puffs, squeezes the bag (not Nikita...) and unbeknownst to them some cheese puffs fall out of the bag making a trail to the video room....(we now hear the popular "Happy Trails"...). Reaching the VR, they sit on the love seat, and not long into the video, start smooching while a famous tune comes on "Crazy little thing called love"....

Scene 4 :

Ops, also just entering the Section at that moment, puts his hands to his ears, comes accross a floor loaded with cheese puffs and water to his ankles...("Moon River" immediately his heard) while he paddles through that river of puffs, his pants now orange up to his knees (cotton, soaks up in the blink of an eye!) follows the *trail* of puffs to the VR where some strange whispering sounds are heard ("Come softly to me" is now playing). He sees Michael and Nikita, passionately kissing of the love seat... yells "Michael! In my office!" and storms off... Michael & Nikita are left surprised and instantly duet together "You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch!". Following orders, they start to make their way to Ops’ office when Michael sees a tear on the corner of Nikita’s eye and instantly drops to his knees and belts out "Don’t cry for me N-i-k-i-t-a..." (original version, not remake)!

Finale

We find Madeline, with a wild dress on and wilder eye make-up marchintg to Birkoff’s room; Walter is right behind her, completely wet and bandana still around his neck; Ops is also there in orange coloured pants and Michael and Nikita hand in hand closely follow (we now hear "We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of OZ")... They all find Birkoff, struthing his stuff, one hand on the computer keyboard, the other in the air chanting "Staying Alive, Staying Alive"..., at that moment, everyone turns towards the audience, starts dancing a la John Travolta and belts out "Ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive in Section"...!

The end....

Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997

The Section
The Musical.....

Curtain opens, full set (Observation deck etc)....as the overture begins, all operatives begin to come on stage and take their different positions....all are in black with the exception of Nikita, who is in white....

Michael and Nikita are down stage, center At the last swell of the muscial the all face the audience and begin to sing....(accompanied by wonderful cowboy high kicks, karate chops, strangle holds etc.)

(to the tune of Oklahoma!)O the Section!

OOOOOOOOOOOO
the Section
where we all know how to to give you pain and we're not all nice
with hearts made of ice
and most of us are a little bit insane

OOOOOOOOOOOO
the Section
where you are watched all day and all night the fear never ends
you can't trust your friends
and the end of it will never be in sight

OOOOOOOOOOOO
the Section
where loving is a very dirty word
and poor Mikey fears
that Nikita may hear
his confession on tape she never heard

O-t-h-e-S-e-c-t-i-o-n

O the Section.....HOORAY!

Stage goes black....single spot comes up on Nikita and a fresh faced cutie pie of a fella....

Nikita is flirting with the new recruit....to be discovered by Michael (also in a spotlight)....who watches from the observation deck....loading his gun and singing "Your Cheating Heart" (Hank Williams)....

Brief fade, then up lights to the conference table as everyone is leaving, finally, only Michael and Nikita are left.... A poignant moment when Mikey turns and looks at Nikita...looking like a wounded puppy and Nikita sings to herself "The Man with the Child in His Eyes" (Kate Bush)......

which sequeys into a dream sequence they both are sharing a duet of "All I Ask Of You" (Phantom of the Opera) (Beautiful interpretive dance piece between the two of them in a single spot light, lots of smoke and a wind machine)

Break away to Walter and Birky who are on a mission together.....the van breaks down and they begin to walk and sing "I'm Gonna Be...(I would walk 500 miles)" (Proclaimers) Doing a nice little marching type dance, bumping, pushing each other, etc........

Meanwhile, back at the section, now in wardrobe, Nikita confronts Mikey his repeated lying to her, the fact that she can't trust him anymore and that all he keeps doing is saying he's sorry....He turns away and begins singing "So" (Peter Gabriel).. Nikita counters with "Men, You Can't Live with Them and You Just Can't Shoot 'em" (Forrester Sisters)

While nextdoor, in Maddy's office; Ops and Maddy together are pondering Nikita and break in to (to the tune of "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria")

How do you solve a problem like Nikita? How do you cut her down to size?
How do you solve a problem like Nikita? I guess we will do it with more lies.....

Sooooo, they decide to send Nikita on a dangerous mission...

Re-open next scene in briefing room, ominous music in background Ops and Maddy inform Nikita that she will be sent on a mission to blow up a munnitions factory. She is warned of the grave danger of this possible suicide mission, Michael expresses concern, while Nikita, feeling cocky she breaks into "I Feel Lucky" (Mary Chapin Carpenter).... (Nice bit of Country line dancing here from EVERYONE)

Nikita exits, leaving just Michael alone..... Michael watches her leave and begins to sing "(Can't Live) With or Without You" (U2)

Back to Walter and Birky.... Now on a plane, flying back to the Section (you know, one of those old timey, two seater planes). They begin to sing "Those Daring Young Men in Their Flying Machines" While Walter is doing all kinds of arial acrobatics, Birky is getting greener and greener and sicker and sicker....

Meanwhile, back to the mission, ......great lights and the thump of "Burning Down the House" (Talking Heads) playing, operatives climbing all over the place (like in Cats)........ Nikita is kicking butt, as usual.........

Michael arrives (unbeknownst to Ops and Maddy) and helps Nikita and the others get out alive in the background you hear "Hero for a Day" (Metallica)

Michael and Nikita return to the Section, to be confronted by an angry and vengeful Maddy and Ops.....

Standing bravely together.....a voice begins to sing up-stage, far right....

Louise the Cleaning Lady comes forward and sings (To Dream the Impossible Dream) (Man of LaMancha)

To dream the impossible dream
to sing the unsingable song
to strive with your last ounce of courage to right the unrightable wrong

To love, pure and chaste from afar
to hope for freedom one day
knowing that the section is watching
and praying for our chance to get away

That two agents in this hell hole
can find love together in here
and trust with their last bit of reason to dream the impossible DREAM!

Then the Chandelier falls on Maddy and Ops killing them....real dead....

Nikita and Michael realize they are free and flee immediately (down stage left)....

Seconds later, Walter and Birky arrive (downstage right) and sum up the situation.....They look at eachother and begin to sing....

(To the Tune of King of the Road)

Section for Sale or Rent
Guns to sell, without a dent
We are Men of means by no means....
Kings of what's left!

LIGHT OUT>>>>THE END!

........what chandelier you ask?
the chandelier that *I* put in, just for this very ending..... (always did like the 'deus ex machina' endings)

Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997

LOL!! Ballet!! Now THAT did it for me... imagine Ops in a unitard swooping Mad thru the airs as she graciously extends her arms in a most beautiful and deeply meaningful artistic gesture (dressed in an all-white unitard with a long, pink tutu, matching slippers and her hair up in a bun), also while Ops sings his opera in his best "italian" voice "ITHINKWEMUSTADOSOMETHINGABOUTENIKIIIIIIITTAAAAAAAAA!!!..." and Mad seconding "YESMETOOITHINKTHEREISSOMETHINGBETWEEEEEEEENNNNTHEMMMM"... **OK, this is when M comes in in a (black too) unitard that goes all the way up to his neck and doing a "pas de bourré" (those tiny tippy-toey fast steps) with his arms in "bras-bas" and his head up high until he reaches Mad & Ops (who still has Mad up on one hand as he looks at M). [as M enters, the music for Sleeping Beauty starts] M sings "ESTCEQUEVOUSAVEZBESOINDEMOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII??" (for thos who don't know French, "doyouneedmeeeeeeeee?"). At this point Ops girates graciously once while he sings "YESWENEEDEDTOTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALKTOYOU..." while he puts Mad down with an incredibly loving gesture and they BOTH bow, before Mad seconds Ops with "...ABOUT NIKITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"... there is a silence as we can all HEAR M's breath, and then, shocking the heck out of everyone's poor battered nerves, enter the rest of the Section operatives (minus N) in colorful unitards and everyone surrounds M dancing gracefully (let's not forget grace, ok?) chanting (in an opera voice, of course, we don't lack class here) "CANCELTHEGIRL, CANCELTHEGIRL, CANCELTHEGIIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLL!" and all coming to a halt when, as all the colorful operatives sink to the floor (with B yelling "oreooooooooossss!!") as M, crying, sings in a pained voice "SHE'SNOTWHOYOUTHINKSHEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!" [curtain comes down here].

AAAHHH!, there, I feel much better now!! :)~ You said to suggest more songs that tell what N&M are "having-not having" onscreen... well, I got a couple but I'll write another post because this one is too long as it is... someone might get bored.

Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997

OK, here are some more songs... and since they are too many to write in their entirety, if you don't know them and want the lyrics (the whole thing), let me know and I shall e-mail you. :)

SONG#1: "Just Another Night" By Wildside: (M alone at his home). "Outside my window the rain begins to fall Memories of you and me, we had it all... Now that you're gone, 'doesn't seem the same I can't mend my broken heart or ease the pain Oh, and in my heart you will always be

Oh, and in my pain I feel you close to me Oh, and in my dreams... love ain't what it seems! Just another night... all alone............."

SONG#2: "A tale That Wasn't Right" (by someone called HELLOWEEN). "Here I stand, all alone,
have my mind turned to stone,
have my heart filled up with ice
to avoid its breaking twice...
Thanks to you
my dear old FRIEND
but you can't help, this is the end
of a tale that wasn't right...
I won't have no sleep tonight.
In my heart, in my soul,
I really hate to pay this toll;
Should be strong, young and bold
but the only thing I feel is pain.........................."

SONG#3: "Love Hurts" (by Nazareth) (you guys MUST know this one... but I specially like the part that follows)
"...and no, it isn't true, I know it isn't true, love is just a lie made to make you blue..."

SONG#4: "Don't take the girl" (by Tim McGraw -PW would like this one, it's CW!)
"....same old boy, same sweet girl, some yrs down the road... ****there's more here but too long: here the girl is about to die********** ...then Johnny hit his knees and then he prayed: take the very breath you gave me, take the heart from my chest, I'LL GLADLY TAKE HER PLACE IF YOU LET ME make this my last request: TAKE ME OUT OF THIS WORLD, GOD PLEASE... DON'T TAKE THE GIRL....."

I know some might not fit the on-screen bill but I got carried away... these are things that M does NOT speak but that he FEELS, without a shadow of a doubt, even if he doesn't kow it.

SONG#5: "The Rose" (by Bette Middler) (M&N looking into ea/other's eyes while on a mission...)
"....some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed; some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed
(AWW!!!)<-----not part of lyrics...
it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learn to dance it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance IT'S THE ONE WHO WON'T BE TAKEN WHO CANNOT SEEM TO GIVE...
and the sould afraid of dying that never learns to live....."

Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997

More for the musical... :) Now, I am not sure if you saw THE CROW (original), but imagine this: it's season 2's premiere and the beginning of the show, where M is seen staring into space, with a very forlorn look in his eyes, while ghost images of close moments between N and him flash by... his eyes are getting wet but he does NOT cry... and thru it all we can softly hear Jane Siberry's "It Can't Rain All The Time".........................and now it's the end of the show, and we have N in her newly decorated apt., staring at the now more numerous surveillance cameras in it, with the camera moving around her as she examines every wall with an enraged expression mixed with sadness, with a tear or two dropping, as ghostly images of her brief freedom flash by and echos of friends' and/or family's happy voices can be heard...as we hear the same song again, this time louder..... (fade to black when the song reaches the "Or is this all there is?" part)......... :)